Abraham Lincoln, Zombie Hunter? By Brennan Jones

A recent film by 20th century fox portrays beloved U.S. president Abraham Lincoln as an axe swinging vampire killing machine, so it only makes sense that he killed a few
zombies along the way right? Wrong, in this following story you will see how Abraham Lincoln committed the equivalent of zombie genocide before eventually finding the good in zombies WHILE IN OFFICE at the same time.

Shortly after Lincoln took office in the 1860's, a zombie outbreak began. Corpses rose from the grave with a thirst for blood. They went around terrorizing Americans, soon enough many exhibited learned helplessness and just gave in to becoming a zombie. However, those with a more internal locus of control took it upon themselves to save their own lives, President Lincoln especially. Once he heard about the zombie outbreak, he did not hesitate to save his people from conformity to zombie lifestyle. Lincoln just didn't like how the zombies carried themselves, some call him prejudice because he judged zombies before he even got to know them personally. So he picked up the axe, the same axe he killed all those vampires with and left the oval office; not tripping while he was leaving because his cerebellum was slightly above average.

While many people developed a zombie phobias, you could say that Lincoln developed an obsession. As soon as he stepped foot outside the white house, all hell broke loose. Lincoln was confronted with a mass of presidential zombies, standing there with their mutated DNA and lack of cognitive development. The John Adams zombie charged at Lincoln first, but he barely managed to cross Lincolns Absolute Threshold being so short. The George Washington zombie on the other hand, was doing some damage. Even as a zombie his brain had a high rate of plasticity, so every time Lincoln took an axe to his head his brain would repair itself. He was incredibly hard to kill. George had Lincoln cornered, all hope looked to be lost until Lincolns sympathetic nervous system kicked in. It was fight or flight time and Lincoln chose to fight, brawling it out with fists. With his precise depth perception and combat skills, Lincoln was able to severely damage George's somatic nervous system, causing him to loose control of his movements. George was not dead but he could not move, all he could do was sit there and cling to consciousness. Lincoln was tired after this brawl, so he went to bed while being guarded by secret service to maintain his circadian rhythms.

When Lincoln awoke he was faced with another problem, there were many zombies captured during the previous days battle. But what were they to do with them? Lincoln proposed the idea of making them slaves. He thought slavery was wrong with people, but these were not people. At first, people didn't understand this idea, they were committing functional fixedness, because they could not see themselves using zombies for anything other than killing. Also people with phobias had to undergo psychotherapy before they could look at a zombie. After a while people started to like the idea because zombies actually made good workers. Through simple classical conditioning anybody could make a zombie into a worker, and a friend. Operant conditioning too proved effective, especially with positive reinforcement. Even Lincoln developed some long lasting friendships, some sexual, with zombies. If you recall, he used to hate them, but he denies this, typical self-consistency bias. Lincoln also fathered a zombie-child with one of the zombies named Nicole. "Snooki" was her nickname and she was quickly left on the steps of an orphanage, even the other zombies don't like her. Somehow though, she managed to gain significant social influence. The government also conducted a test similar to Milgram's Obedience Experiment and found that zombies will blindly follow any person who looks like an authority figure.

It was clear that Lincoln was feeling pretty good at this time, he was the man, and his ego showed it. However there were still violent zombies out there, and little did the Americans know it, the "tame" zombies still had the script to kill humans in their unconscious. While the zombies showed traits of normal humans, secretly they planned a revolt. The zombies were able to gain significant intelligence through the US school system to ultimately have a higher IQ, this only made the revolt even more deadly. When the zombies exploded a massive bomb at the White House one night, Lincoln was the first to say: "I knew it all along" (Hindsight Bias). The people tried playing classical music so the zombies would just chill and dance but that conditioned reflex was well past extinction. Lincoln realized that once again it was up to him to save the day. Lincoln remembered from the experiments that there was a high correlation coefficient between mustard and zombie deaths. With this information he loaded up an arsenal of mustard and sprayed every zombie until they were all dead.

While no one knows how these zombies came about, Charles Darwin's theory on the Origin of Species showed how natural selection weeded out the zombie gene, thanks to the help of our beloved zombie slaying president Lincoln.